IC Forum Archive

108 · Posts: 2600

this space reserved for a link to the review. once i put the review up.

no. it's not dead rising. in fact, it's something much scarier.

EDIT: the game is portable island: tenohira no resort for PSP.

review is here.

go!!

frontpage post is this:

frontpage wrote:

So basically there's a game for PSP by Bandai-Namco Games, what's called Portable Island: Tenohira no Resort. That means "Resort in the palm of your hand." This is an article about that game. Maybe it's a review. Maybe it's not. It certainly uses the F-word a whole lot, so if that sort of thing scares you, you might not want to read it. It's also very, very long and deals mostly with hypothetical things some might find inane. Though really, do you really want to read a review of a game about a vacation on an island? An island where you're all alone? You want to know about the graphics and sound, and how it plays?

Here's the capsule review, then: the graphics are boring. Not as good as real life. The sound is alright, though the PSP has a serious volume problem. The smell isn't right -- a real ocean should smell a lot different. The gameplay is "a mixed bag" and the inclusion of musical instruments feels weirdly insulting to anyone who has ever owned a toy ukulele. The producers were sanctimonious enough to pretend people were calling it "Boku no natsuyasumi for adults," though they were mostly faking that, because Boku no natsuyasumi is already for adults. The next thing you know they're going to make a game about putting on shoes and say that their mothers called it "Animal Crossing for girls." Then they'll make an action game with a darkness sensor and pay a magazine to give it a glowing review that calls it "Boktai for people who don't want to go outside."

So yes, click here to read an article with its head up its own rear-end about a game that has its head up its own rear-end.

In other world news, summer will be over in fourteen days. Go find some place the sun still shines hard, and stand there for a while, and feel the heat fade, like it's supposed to.

check it out, if you like!!

it's insertcredit.com's first ZERO STARS review!!

Toto · Posts: 498

Is it D2?

aderack · Posts: 5018

Is it Magic Carousel?

Because I was going to do that.

exodus · Posts: 385

there you go

thecalamitouskid · Posts: 117

I am from a tropical island and demand this game be reviewed on a tropical island. So someone buy me a ticket home plz.

So what is there to say, WWWWWWn

I agree, the pacman load screen is ridiculous!

108 · Posts: 2600

exodus wrote:

there you go

i was just about to do that myself!!

toHO

i think i'm going to email you in about five minutes!! stand ready!!

108 · Posts: 2600

i hope to read many hate mails that call me a "DOOSHBAG" for taking "NINETEEN PARARAGRAPHS" to get to the game i'm reviewing. i wrote it for those people. i wrote it for the paragraph-counters.

ReroRero · Posts: 2148

You could have cut out all the filler and had the words 'fuck' and 'you' left.

108 · Posts: 2600

or i could have just provided a link to my final fantasy vii advent children review.

mechanori · Posts: 623

I've always wondered what a video game without goals would be. A Grand Theft Auto with no missions, no stars, no police. You know, like the running game. Nintendogs made it pretty clear that even if it is a game about taking care of a dog, there has to be an underlying drive, an underlying something, to bring the simulation to life. Nintendogs managed it surprisingly well, although the underlying drive was staring you in the face in the menu. The same goes for Animal Crossing.

I've always wanted a game like Portable Resort to exist, but I've realized that it is nearly impossible to make something like that engaging, because (as you said) this is not virtual reality. This is a PSP with buttons and a screen.

MMOs solve the problem differently. The underlying drive is social interaction. Games that really are beautiful solve the problem differently. Think Shadow of the Collossus: the underlying drive is the desire to see more nice things. I still turn on SotC every now and then to ride Agro around, find pretty places, look at the scenery. The next gen is particularly exciting because both of these underlying drives can be enhanced, and even combined. Imagine riding around on a gorgeous overworld, chatting with a friend, telling them to follow them north, they've found a nice garden there.

Hmm.

ReroRero · Posts: 2148

108 wrote:

or i could have just provided a link to my final fantasy vii advent children review.

But that would be akin to saying 'fuck this'.

108 · Posts: 2600

ReroRero wrote:

108 wrote:

or i could have just provided a link to my final fantasy vii advent children review.

that would be akin to saying 'fuck this'.

it was a pretty good review, anyway.

oh, here it is, for those who haven't read it.

Dark Age Iron Savior · Posts: 3148

Great read, and somewhat surprisingly review-like. Although that's perhaps just my imagination.

Speaking of imagination, reading it basically set off little fires (

) in my head, especially with things like:

Handsomejetproject · Posts: 13

After reading the review the only thing I thought was that the ad on subway car doors is no longer Portable Island, but Minna no Tennis. But it would be funny if a video game review about something that isn`t really a video game angers people who say they like video games.

Intentionally Wrong · Posts: 673

Have you seen that show, "Azumanga Daioh"? The inane schoolgirl almost-commedy? I only ask because there's a character in it named Osaka who's the kind of character who appeals to the sort of person who shouts "I need scissors! 61!" at random intervals.

The reason I mention Osaka is because a couple years back, someone sent me a program that was kind of an Osaka screen saver. I think it was Korean. Osaka was in a little house and she'd walk around randomly and occasionally do something that might be interesting. The program provided a little bit of interactivity, in that she'd occasionally leave the house to earn money, which you could use to buy her things, like a lightsaber or a teleporter or a big knife.

Anyway. This reminds me of that. The Osaka simulator's probably more interesting, though, because the player lacks control, and you don't know what she's capable of doing until she actually does it. And then, you know. The novelty wears off.

Shapermc · Posts: 2450

So you forgot to say "fuck you" about the mini-game of Pac Man in RR6 controlling better than their full XBLA version.

And I sent you an email.

DaleNixon · Posts: 766

Tim, you are one spiky bastard. And I love this review.

Mr. Pointy · Posts: 191

I liked it. I figure that to write about a game like Portable Island, you need to go off into various tangents about random shit.

108 · Posts: 2600

DaleNixon wrote:

Tim, you are one spiky bastard. And I love this review.

yeah, i'm spiky alright, and sometimes spiny. i hurt myself sometimes.

i am very glad you liked the review!! there is another one coming, probably this week!!

it miiiiight be of dead rising.

108 · Posts: 2600

Shapermc wrote:

So you forgot to say "fuck you" about the mini-game of Pac Man in RR6 controlling better than their full XBLA version.

And I sent you an email.

oh.

oh.

oh god.

i fucking PLAYED that XBLA version. shit, that made me want to shit a brick of SHIT.

i should have mentioned it.

fucking pac-man. fuck you, namco.

also, i have read your email and found it interesting yet did not reply because of a very slow computer and the fact that this roadside shack i'm squatting in here is on fire and i probably don't have too much time to work with

oligophagy · Posts: 110

one video on the game's website shows your robotic butler (i like this concept) building shelter. that sounds dangerously like potential disappointment and also work!

Psiga · Posts: 3990

I'm too detatched to write a large review of a very large review, though I'll say some things! I enjoyed how many interesting ideas were brought up. Lots of thought-provoking concepts, going beyond the usual descriptions of games that you get in normal reviews, and hyperbole/bullshit/irrelevance that you get in normal "Tim Rogers" reviews. Not that those other things weren't included! Because hell, there were so many paragraphs that you really did put all that stuff in there.

COPYRIGHT 2006 BANDAI-NAMCO

brainiac · Posts: 941

wow hey entertaining review. i skimmed it the other day, then skimmed it a little bit more today, then looked at the official portable island website and thought "hmm that looks like a tropical-themed screensaver crossed with an alarm clock and sort of terrible," then i read through the whole review. yeah. railed against with gusto.

reminds me of internisus's "i am tired of being killed" thread in real bout. no goals, no pressure, just look at stuff and interact somewhat. the non-game videogame freed from the shackles of goal-ness. sounds sort of terrible. as a videogame. if they were to market it as a screensaver-slash-alarm-clock, then okay. maybe.

and yeah. COPYRIGHT 2006 BANDAI-NAMCO.

108 · Posts: 2600

Psiga wrote:

irrelevance

everything is irrelevant, sometimes

OMG

brainiac wrote:

yeah. railed against with gusto.

and then, the night it was posted, i ATE at gusto.

Rud13 · Posts: 3277

People do that.

You know, eat pigs.